Runaway
by compulsiveprocrastinator
Summary: Reid isn't OK, however much he acts like it. Rossi wants to know why. When he finds drugs in Reid's hotel room Reid panics. Although there is a drug theme to this fic, it has nothing to do with Henkel.
1. Chapter 1

_Hello everybody, I had some free time last night despite my crazy life at the minute and I decided I,d try and write something. Looking over 'Confusion' however, if you care, I was uninspired. That story line seems to have dried up for me during this break, along with the sequel to 'Follow Through'. I probably will complete them, it's just I had to get this out of my system first. It starts out a bit like 'Follow Through', but I'm hoping to take the story in a different direction afterwards (and write this one better lol)._

_This is set in the present, but as if Henkel NEVER EXISTED. It does have a drug theme, but Henkel isn't responsible for it. This is only a short intro, more is on the way. Hope you enjoy it, reviews and constructive criticism are much appreciated._

_Disclaimer: I own nothng to do with Criminal Minds._

Reid was alone in his dark empty apartment, drinking a glass of water as he stared abstractedly out of his window. He had such promise, such intelligence. What had it gotten him in the end?

* * *

><p>The metro was too busy, dozens of strangers crammed together closer than would be anywhere near acceptable in any other circumstance. It always amazed Reid how every person managed not to make eye contact with any other person despite the limited space. Lost in thought, he hurried to work.<p>

They weren't out on a case today; Reid and Rossi were going to Orlando to brief the police force out there on basic profiling. Reid wasn't looking forward to the one-on-one time with Rossi. As much as he liked him, it was very hard to hide anything from him. He'd done a good job; he spouted off random facts and didn't snap at people. But he wasn't right, he did his best to be healthy, but deep down he knew he wasn't. And Rossi might realise that too.

"Ready to go, kid?" Rossi greeted him at the SUV carrying a go bag.

"Yeah, are we taking a commercial flight?"

"Yep, lucky us. I've got the tickets. We're already booked into a hotel. We're going to get you a tan kid, and boy do you need it" Rossi joked, taking in Reid's waxy pallor. Reid laughed along with Rossi as he climbed in the passenger seat.

The flight passed quietly, Rossi was looking at some case files and going over their presentation for the Miami police whilst Reid stared out the window. The silence wasn't uncomfortable, the two men sat side by side and Rossi let him have his time to think, even when dinner arrived and Reid didn't touch a bit of it.

* * *

><p>The police presentation was trying, they were always such sceptics. It was always the same doubts and questions they had to field. Reid hated it. It was a relief to escape the too cold air conditioning in the station as the wall of hot air outside hit him.<p>

"Want to go get some dinner?" Rossi's voice cut through the thick air beside Reid.

"No, sorry, I think I'll get an early night."

"Alright, kid. I'll see you in the morning?"

"Yeah, see you." Rossi watched Reid walk away. His face was unreadable. Slowly, he turned and walked towards the hotel restaurant.

Upstairs Reid drifted away surrounded by thin, sweat drenched sheets in his single room. His sleep was deep, unnatural.


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I own nothing._

Reid woke groggily to his alarm going off. The sun was drenching the bed since he had forgotten to close the curtains last night. He slowly stood and walked to the window, smelling cut grass and hearing the strange chirping sounds of insects. He could feel the already hot sun sinking into his slightly numb skin. It felt good, like it almost warmed him inside. He stood there a few minutes, waking himself up, before turning to clean up after last night and then went for a shower.

* * *

><p>Rossi was waiting for him in the lobby. "Good night?"<p>

"Yeah, thanks." Reid gave him a smile. "I love the sun. It reminds me of home. I'm made to live in the sun I think." Rossi laughed, "You could definitely use it, you're white as a corpse. You're family are in Vegas aren't they?"

"Yeah. Let's go, they're waiting for us." Rossi trailed behind him as they made their way to a taxi rank to head for the police station again.

Today was better than yesterday; they were briefing a select few detectives on characteristics of psychopaths who had elected to listen to them so they were more open to what the two profilers had to say than the beat cops they had briefed yesterday. The next morning they would be flying back to Quantico, their job done. When they finished Rossi said casually to Reid as they were walking out the door that they should go for dinner and hailed a cab.

"There's a game on, we should watch it - you need to learn a bit about sport." His voice was light but left no room for excuses. Reid stammered a little as he agreed to this plan.

Rossi ordered them both steak and fries since Reid was a little late coming down from freshening up in the heat.

"Hope you like it medium". Reid told him that was fine before Rossi started telling him the intricacies of what the large guys running up and down a piece of grass were doing. "I don't know, I don't think all the hype for these games is really justified. Now chess on the other hand-" Luckily the food arrived then. Reid started cutting his steak up with vigour . . . five minutes later he was stil cutting. "Come on; get some of that down you, it'll put some meat on you". Slowly, Reid had a few forkfuls, talking all the time. After a few minutes he started putting his cutlery down.

"You've had barely anything."

"I've had enough, thanks Rossi." Rossi raised his eyebrows, but let it pass. Reid could sense the danger had passed and relaxed his tense shoulders a little. They sat in silence, both gazing at the TV screen. A few minutes later Reid excused himself and went up to his room. Rossi watched his retreating back with a slight frown. After a few minutes, he got up resolutely and followed the younger man.

* * *

><p>Reid sat down on his bed, cool glass resting against the clammy skin of his hand. He sat still and quiet - apathy, exhaustion and regret swirling in eddies between his eyes. A quiet knock broke the atmosphere. Hurriedly he shoved his hand under the pillow behind him and it came out empty. The door opened tentatively.<p>

"Dave?"

"Hey, mind if I come in?" Ignoring the excuses that were beginning to take shape in Reid's mouth Rossi entered. He chose one of the seats at the little desk in the corner of the room. Reid followed nervously.

"What's up?"

"Well, that's what I want to ask you. Is everything OK Reid?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?" The performance was very convincing, but Rossi was watching closely, and saw the cracks in the routine. He paused before continuing slowly. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah I'm sure, what's this about?" Ignoring the question, Dave steeled himself and asked boldly "So if I searched your room now I'd find nothing to cause me concern?" Reid recoiled automatically, a glimpse of fear flashed through his eyes before he controlled himself. Only a glimpse, but perhaps enough.

"Wh-what? What the hell do you mean Rossi?"

"I mean that I'm not sure that you really are OK, however well you act like it." Reid was stunned into silence. Rossi continued in a soft tone of voice "If I'm right, and I'm pretty sure I am, you're putting your health, your job, everything that matters at risk. Talk to me, we can sort this out."

"And what exactly are you accusing me of, Dave?" Reid's voice was quiet, cold. He hadn't moved from where he stood, rooted in front of the seated Rossi. Rossi sensed the danger in that tone of voice and proceeded carefully. "You're not eating right, but I think there's more to it than that. Why don't you sit down and we'll talk about it?" Reid didn't move.

"And what evidence do you have to back up these vague suspicions?" His voice was a little harder.

"At the moment none apart from your behaviour – "

"So then why are you here? Who do you think you are, barging in here and throwing accusations at me?" Reid's voice was growing in volume as he continued. "What business is it of yours? I turn up to work, I do my job well, why should you care what I do outside work? –"

"So there is something?" Rossi kept his voice calm. He'd been expecting this. He slowly stood and looked the younger man in the eye. Despite his anger, Reid took half a step back. Rossi may have been older but he was bigger and stronger than him. "Sit down and talk with me please."

"No!" Reid shouted violently. He made to turn away from Rossi but the older man grabbed him by his shoulders and turned him back to face him. "Spencer, you need to talk to me."

"I don't need help!" All these months of inactivity seemed to catch up to Reid at once. All the emotions that he'd worked so hard to drown out swelled inside him at once, it was too much. For a second it felt like he would burst, so much was trying to get out of him at once. Before he even thought about what he was doing, Reid slammed himself forward into the older agent. Limbs flying, he screamed out the feelings inside him, oblivious to his colleagues protests.

The initial shock had frozen Rossi but he quickly had the situation under control. Within a few seconds Reid was on the floor with his arms behind his back, Rossi on top of him pinning him down. Reid was blindingly angry, although he feared the young man was beyond reason at the moment he tried to calm him with his voice. They lay like that for some minutes, Reid gradually calming as Rossi straddled him. Looking down on the young man beneath him, Rossi knew his fears had been confirmed. No one would react in this way if they didn't have something to hide. He was shocked at how quickly Reid had exploded, with such little prompting, and at how easily he could restrain the much younger man. The problem of not eating might be more serious than they thought. Realising that Reid would probably be in some discomfort lying on the tiled floor, Rossi gathered both wrists in one hand and reached for a pillow from the bed next to them. "No!" He froze.

"Why not?" Rossi asked slowly. Reid stayed quiet though. "Let's take a look, then."

Reid started trying to fight him again, toes desperately kicking against the hard floor, but it did no good. Rossi lifted up the pillow, exposing the glass vial filled with clear liquid beneath it.


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I do not own CM or anything related to it._

They sat quietly on the end of the bed, the half-full vial in Rossi's hand. Reid had his head hung, shaking but not crying. Rossi looked thoughtful. "Tell me about it" Rossi said quietly.

Reid shook harder. "I can't Rossi." he whispered weakly.

"Just tell me what you can. I'm not going to judge you. I just want to help you."

"But the BAU . . ."  
>"Don't worry about that now, just talk to me."<p>

"Are you going to tell Hotch?"

"Start at the beginning. When did you first take it? What is it?" Reid replied uneasily.

"It's called Dilaudid. It's sometimes referred to as drug store Heroin. I took it for the first time about seven months ago. I'm so sorry Rossi, for everything. I shouldn't have started taking it. I shouldn't have tried to hurt you or have shouted at you before."

"It's OK Reid; can you tell me about why you started taking it?"

"Please don't tell Hotch, I'll be fired. This is all I have Rossi." He was starting to get agitated as he considered the possible ramifications of this, his breathing getting faster and shallower.

"Don't worry about that Reid. They're your friends; they'll want to help you."

"You can't tell them!" Reid shot up from the bed, wheezing and wide-eyed.

"Calm down kiddo, it's going to be OK" As Reid got more agitated, backing away and glancing around him quickly, Rossi stood and tried to calm him. "It's alright, everything will be OK"

"No, no, no!" It all happened very fast. Reid spotted a heavy ash tray next to the TV stand. As he lunged for it Rossi tried to grab him but he was too slow. Reid span around and smacked him in the head with it with a dull thudding sound.

* * *

><p>Rossi woke to a paramedic calling his name. He was lying on the hotel room floor, a pillow under his head and blood down the side of his face. Reid was nowhere to be seen.<p>

Rossi called Hotch from the hospital and hurriedly told him what happened. "Drugs? I hadn't expected that. Had you?"

"I had an idea but I didn't know. I didn't want to say anything to you unless I did."

"I understand. How are you?"

"The head injury isn't serious, just a concussion. I messed up Aaron. I didn't think he'd react like that."

"It's not your fault Dave."

"I know, but I wish I'd handled it differently. What are we going to do?"

"We have to find him. There's a case pending though, and we have to do this unofficially. If Erin Strauss hears about this it will be the end of Reid."

"Will it be anyway? What will you do with him?"

"I don't know, we need to find him first. Are you happy to have Morgan with you?"

"Yes."

"I'll authorise the three of you for holiday time and tell the team what has happened. You can call Garcia too if you need her."

"Ok, thank you. Aaron? Don't judge him too harshly. He's sick. He needs help. He didn't mean to hurt me, he panicked. He was the one who called the ambulance and put me in the recovery position."

"And then disappeared. He's been on drugs for the past eight months. Whatever was wrong, he could have gotten help. Whatever he's going through, it doesn't excuse him breaking the law. "

"This isn't like Reid, he needs us to support him Aaron, not judge him."

"I know Dave."

* * *

><p>Reid stared down at the motionless body on the floor, the sudden quiet unbearable. "Dave? Dave? Oh God I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." The bloody ash tray fell to the floor as he dropped down beside the older man. He checked his pulse, before quickly manoeuvring him into the recovery position. Glancing around himself, Reid realised for the first time how much noise they'd been making. If he was caught he'd be done for assault and illegal drug use. He'd probably be fired anyway, but he couldn't go to prison. He knew what would happen to him in there. Moving quickly, he crammed all his things into his go bag, including the vial lying innocently on the bed where Rossi had left it. As he raced out of the room, pulling his phone out of his pocket, he glanced around for any curious eyes peering out of rooms on either side of the small hallway, but there were none.<p>

"Hello, I need the ambulance service . . ."

Where could he go? They'd be looking for him. He needed to find an ATM, cards are traceable. Flying was also off limits. He could buy a train or bus ticket anonymously but they would be checking camera footage for him probably. He couldn't drive since most rental cars have GPS. As he hurried through reception, trying not to look like he was anything but in a hurry Reid decided that probably the most anonymous way to travel was hitch-hiking. It was dangerous, but he only needed to get far enough away that they wouldn't be looking for him at the train station.

_Oh God, what am I doing? _They were his friends weren't they? Maybe he should just go back upstairs and wait with Rossi until the ambulance arrived. Maybe they could talk about it, Reid could tell him how sorry he was, and maybe Rossi could help him. Maybe Rossi was right, maybe they would help him, maybe he wouldn't be fired . . . But what if he was? What if Hotch did decide he didn't want him on the team? He'd done it with Elle, maybe he do it with Spencer too. What if Rossi pressed charges? Reid knew he wouldn't survive in prison. He couldn't risk it, he had to run. It was the only way he knew he'd be safe. He crossed over the road outside the hotel to an ATM and drew out all the money he had. He had to get out of here quickly; the ambulance would be here soon. The night was late and the police would be looking for him to explain what had happened since the hotel staff knew they were together. He couldn't walk the streets; he'd be easily spotted and picked up. Beaches and clubs weren't too far from here though; if he made his way there he wouldn't be spotted as easily. As Reid's long legs took him towards the clubs as fast as they would carry him, an ambulance with lights going raced past in the opposite direction. As he passed a bin he disassembled his phone and threw the pieces in it.

When Reid found a relatively quiet bar he ordered a beer and sat down to wait until he thought the police would have given up looking for him among the drunks pouring out of the clubs causing trouble. It gave him far too much time to think. Nursing the untouched drink in front of him, he couldn't help asking himself how he'd let himself get in this position. It had started as just a spliff every once in a while, a way to pass the empty lonely hours in his apartment. The rest of the team had lives outside of work, but all he had was his mother, and she wasn't much of a life. He'd been alone for so long. It's not like anything terrible had happened to him, he didn't want to whinge – people lived with far more difficult things. But lying in bed alone at night, a feeling had started to creep up on him. What had he been doing with his life? Whilst he got college degrees, other men had girlfriends. Whilst he sat in his apartment alone at night other people had family meals. Yes he was gifted, but what had it gotten him in the end? When he looked to the future, all he saw was emptiness. He'd lost his direction, his passion for life. He felt like he was floating, unanchored. Everything that had once been so important couldn't stir the slightest bit of feeling inside him. It had gotten to the point where he only got out of bed to go to work. It was the only place he functioned. When he was on a case it pushed all the empty, dark thoughts out of his mind. But he always had to return to that empty flat eventually. As much as he loved the rest of his team, he needed more than them. When he felt like that though, it's so hard to get it. It's hard to move, to eat, to live. It was then that he had first started taking drugs, to pass the long empty hours in bed. But soon weed wasn't enough. He needed a real break, a real rest. That was how he had started on the Dilaudid. And now look at him, he'd violently attacked the only person who'd realsied anything was wrong, who was trying to help him, and he was on the run from the police. Why had he gotten so angry? Why had he attacked Rossi? It had all happened so fast, just a day earlier everything had been fine, under wraps. Maybe it was best he didn't go back to the BAU, he couldn't be trusted. The rest of the team would have said they could talk to him, but how could he talk to them about that? Feelings that were so complicated, so intimate, that had no trigger, how could he begin to describe them to another human being?

The bar was beginning to empty; it was time for him to move. He left the untouched beer at the table and walked out onto the street. He'd soon hailed a cab and got it to drop him within walking distance of the interstate, but not too close in case the cabbie remembered him. Twenty minutes later he was by the side of the interstate.


	4. Chapter 4

Reid glanced around him, the road was quiet. There was a tunnel not far from him, he went over to it and knelt down in the dark. He started looking through his hold-all until he located his vial and syringe. Withdrawal starts quickly with Dilaudid; Spencer found he could last 12 hours if necessary, however he was trying to increase the time in between doses so he did not become dependent on the drug and therefore yesterday instead of taking a dose yesterday morning he took one at lunchtime instead. This had stretched his time between doses to 15 hours instead of his usual 12. It had been 17 hours since then though and Reid was starting to feel it. His hands were shaking and he struggled to fill the syringe. He didn't take enough to lose focus, just enough to keep the symptoms at bay. He needed to be alert. When he was ready he walked up to the main road to wait.

* * *

><p>"Where are you heading?" Reid asked nervously. The trucker, a portly guy with a kind face drawled loudly that he was delivering grapefruit and other citrus fruits to Pennsylvania and that Reid was welcome to keep him company if he bought his own food and didn't mind sleeping in the cab. Spencer smiled nervously and replied that he wasn't sure he'd stay all the way to Pennsylvania but he was glad to stay for a while and thanked the man for his kindness. They trundled on together in the tropical heat as the sun rose slowly over them, the trucker's voice background noise to the roaring of the engine through the open windows.<p>

* * *

><p>Morgan exited the airport to find Rossi waiting. He didn't need to be told most of it as Hotch had told him what had happened up until he boarded the plane. Rossi didn't have much to add, he had been discharged from the hospital and told the police he didn't want to press charges. It was now 8 o'clock in the morning and the sun was just starting to get hot. After being discharged he had headed straight to the airport to meet Morgan.<p>

"What do you think he would have done?" Morgan asked.

"Well, he's definitely running."

"Yeah, but what's his plan? He drew out the maximum he could in one day Garcia said, over all his cards that was $1000. That money isn't going to last forever. I've got Garcia watching his cards but he knows he can't use them again without us knowing where he is. What will he do then?"

"Hopefully we'll find him before it gets to that point."

"This is all wrong. Reid's on drugs, he hit you and now he's on the run? This isn't supposed to happen."

"He's not in a healthy state of mind. We'll find him, and we'll help him get better. We should go and check his room, see if he left anything behind." Morgan nodded, arms folded over his chest and his eyes serious. "I'll call Garcia and get her to check train manifests, flight logs, cameras at bus stations and train stations. It's a long shot, he knows we can trace them, but we have to check."

"What other possible modes of transport does he have?"

"He could have hitch-hiked. Has Garcia tried to locate his phone?"

"Yeah but she got nothing."

"That would have been too easy." They climbed into a cab queuing outside the airport.

* * *

><p>As nice as the trucker was, Reid knew he couldn't stay with him all the way to Pennsylvania. It left no time to take his medication, and if Rossi had pressed charges they might somehow connect Reid to this driver by using travel logs of trucking companies. He had to jump out at the next stop, Reid decided. As they got nearer to this stopping point Reid informed the driver of his intentions. He shook his hand and they parted at a rest stop in Georgia.<p>

Reid went inside the shop there and bought a coffee, heaped sugar into it and then chugged it down. He then locked himself in a cubicle in the empty restroom.

Glad the bathroom was still deserted, Reid disposed of the needle he had just used by safely taping up the end with some surgical tape he always had in a little first aid kit and wrapping it in several layers of tissue before he put it in the bin. He then washed his face with cold water to rid himself of the sheen of sweat that had built up on his skin through the day. He was shocked at what he saw in the mirror - he was unhealthily pale, his eyes sluggish and his cheeks sunken. The dark circles under his eyes were worse than ever, bruise-like with red rims. What was he doing with his life? The way Reid looked at it he had never been in a worse situation. It felt like an impossible task to go home now, even if he honestly admitted how much he wanted to. He felt so ashamed of himself, what must the team think of him? He couldn't ever face them again. The thought brought tears to his eyes. But where was he supposed to go? Slowly, he turned and locked himself in a cubicle and sank down to the floor sobbing. He let himself moan like a child, despair lacing the sound as he rocked in the harsh artificial lighting.

A while later, Reid was interrupted by the door swinging open. He hurriedly stood up and dried his eyes before exiting the room.

Reid asked a young woman behind the counter if there were any cheap motels near where they were. She gave him instructions on how to reach one in a bored voice. He thanked her and left. It was only a short walk and Reid was soon in the entrance foyer of the Hotel Dusk, the stale air giving him a headache as he paid in cash for a room for the night. Reid arrived at his room and had a quick shower before changing and falling flat on his back on the bed. He was monumentally tired, but his eyes stayed open and stared at the ceiling.

* * *

><p>Rossi and Morgan had searched every inch of Reid's room, but to no avail. He'd left nothing behind, even in the rush of his exit. They sat at the hotel bar now, nursing beers. "I hate to say it, Rossi, but I don't know how we're going to find him."<p>

"He's a smart kid."

"Damn right. We may not be able to find him, not unless he wants us to."

"We have to try though."

"Yeah, but how? We said he could have hitch-hiked, that seems to me the most likely explanation, so how do we trace him?"

"Well, all traffic going out of state has to pass through Georgia. If we estimate what time Reid was picked up we can work out how far he could have travelled. Call Garcia and have her check what the main transit routes are. We might be able to find where he stopped."

"He might just have stayed in the vehicle and already be far away. We can't check every service station Rossi."

"No, he won't have done that. He's using, remember? He wouldn't do that in front of a stranger, he'll have to get out and do it in private."

"Alright, I'll have Garcia send us a list of the possible service stations he could have gotten to. It's going to be a long list though Rossi."

"Hopefully He'll stay put until morning and that will give us time to check them. We can catch a train to Georgia and from there hire a car and start looking through them one by one."

* * *

><p>"Alright thanks baby girl, we owe you . . . yeah everything's fine, don't you worry that pretty little head, y'hear?"<p>

Morgan put the phone down and climbed into the rental car they had just borrowed. It was 8 0'clock in the evening. They had made good time since they had been on an express train and hoped they had caught up some of the distance between themselves and Reid. "Withdrawal starts quickly with Dilaudid; he didn't take his dose last night because I caught him. Assuming he took one in the early hours of the morning he's going to need one soon. He'll have to get out then and hopefully we'll catch him when he does." Morgan nodded and put the sedan they had hired in gear and drove out of the rental lot. They estimated that Reid would have been picked up somewhere between 5 and 7 in the morning since truckers heading out of Florida usually set off at this time and these were the people most likely to have taken Reid. If the trucker kept to the speed limit and used major roads that gave them a relatively small list of rest stops and gas stations to check. They had reached the first by 8:30 but when they showed Reid's picture there no one recognised him. They continued in this way for the next hour and a half. It was nine o'clock when they came to the next rest stop. It looked just like all the others. They were both on edge, worried they had got it wrong and they had wasted a whole day if looking for Reid. They trudged into the anonymous cafe and started going through the well rehearsed routine of showing Reid's picture to employees. They approached a young woman behind the till who looked unenthusiastic.

"Excuse me miss, have you seen this man?"

She stared down vacantly at the picture, and then suddenly there was a spark. "Yes, I do!"

"You do, are you sure?" She nodded her head vigorously.

"Yes, he came in a few hours ago; he asked me if I knew any hotels near-by."

"Rossi!" Morgan was joined by the older agent and they continued to question the awe-struck young woman. "What did the guy do? Is there a reward for helping find him?"

"No there isn't, just tell us what you told him. Where did he go?"

"I told him how to get to some hotel; I can't remember which one." she said sulkily.

"Try." Rossi said firmly.

"Well, it might have been the Hotel Dusk" she said nervously.

"Where is it?" They were heading for the door as soon as she had finished speaking.

"Can it really be this easy Rossi?" Morgan demanded as he drove. "Reid is so smart; can we really have found him so easily?"

"We'll have to find out."


	5. Chapter 5

_Thank you to those people who have reviewed. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds_

* * *

><p>Reid paced back and forth the tiny motel room, with nothing to draw his eye except the drab cheap furnishings he moved to the window. The moon looked beautiful, its edges sharp and clear against the dark sky. Such a shame that something so perfectly surreal should have to look down on such worthless things. Reid sighed and rubbed his forehead. What could solve this morbid disillusionment? When did he become so jaded? He wanted to feel real again. He wanted to go back to being who he used to be.<p>

A car pulled into the parking lot outside the squat, wide building. Reid watched unbelievingly as the man he had assaulted 24 hours earlier and the man he considered to be one of his closest friends climbed out and hurried into the reception. _How had they found him?_ He'd thought he'd done such a good job, he should have been untraceable. And yet they'd found him already. He quickly grabbed his still-packed bag and reached into one of the side pockets. His service pistol had never felt colder as he held it in shaking hands. Reid slowly sat on the edge of the bed, his back to the door and his face to the window. The rest of the bed was between him and the door. He silently gazed out of the window, tears in his eyes.

* * *

><p>Rossi and Morgan charged into the reception, nearly giving the guy behind the desk who had been lazing against the counter using his phone a heart attack. They flashed their badges and a picture of Reid and demanded to know which room he was staying in.<p>

"He's in room 8" stammered the receptionist, eyeing up the large guys as he handed them the spare key. "Now don't be making a mess, y'hear!" he shouted after them as they whirled out in the direction of Reid's room.

"Let's hope he's asleep" Rossi whispered. They crept up to the door, Rossi knocked on the door before calling lowly "Reid? It's Morgan and Rossi, can you open the door for us?" Nothing could be heard from inside. "We're not angry kid; we just want to know you're OK. Please open the door." Morgan shouted. Still nothing. They cast glances at each other, Rossi nodded. "OK Reid, We're coming in now, just stay calm." Rossi slid the key into the door and turned the handle before slowly entering the room, Morgan stayed close behind in case Reid tried to attack one of them.

Reid was sat in the dark, soft light entering through the window. He had his back to them, and didn't move as they entered.

"Hey kiddo."

"I'm so sorry Rossi, I really am. I never should have hit you."

"It's OK, you panicked, and you looked after me afterwards, didn't you? You put me in the recovery position and phoned the ambulance."

"Are you hurt?"

"Just a couple of stitches, nothing major."

Reid nodded slowly, dropping his head. "Good. . . Hi Morgan."

"Hey kid, we're glad we found you." Reid didn't say anything, just looked out the window. They were all tense; Rossi and Morgan shot each other glances in the still air. "Do you think you could come to the car with us, Spencer?" He took a step closer to Reid.

"Don't come any closer Rossi" Reid whispered. He put his left hand on the bed, revealing what was in it.

"Now what have you got that for, Reid?" Morgan said tensely. "We're your friends; you know you don't need that."

"The moon is so beautiful, isn't it? So distant and saintly. It's such a shame we sent people there."

"Why's it a shame?"

"We corrupted it."

"Are we corrupt?"

Reid slightly turned his head to look at Rossi. "How can you ask that? After what we do as a career?"

Rossi motioned Morgan to sit in a chair near the door before replying. "Because of everything else I've seen Reid. Children. Friends hugging. Lovers sitting together on the train. There is bad in people, but I think there is a lot more good than bad in the world."

Reid dropped his head and sighed. "Oh God Rossi, I'm so tired of these pointless arguments. Of this pointless life. I'm just so tired. None of it really matters in the end. We're all evil. We're all dirty. Some of us just don't know it. We all deserve to die."

"Is that what you want Reid? Do you want to die?"

Reid didn't answer, his voice had been gaining in pace and he just carried on. "This planet would be so much better off without us. All we do is cause harm, even to those things that we have created. I wish I could just wipe our existence off the Earth. Just erase us from existence."

"But you can't. So you started taking the drugs, for what? To help you forget it all for a while?"

"It got so tiring, constantly being surrounded, constantly having these dark thoughts in my head and not being able to do anything about it. I needed a break."

Rossi took half a step towards him – "Don't!" Reid hissed.

"I'm not going to try anything; I just want to sit down, OK? Is it OK if I sit on this side of the bed? I can't reach you because the rest of the bed is still in the way." Reid nodded hesitantly "Thanks."

"When did you first start feeling like this?" Spencer looked away nervously.

"I don't know, a while ago."

"Did anything happen to prompt you feeling like this?"

"No."

"Are you sure? Is there anything you can think of?"

"I said no!" Reid's head snapped round, his shoulders turning too to look at the older agent. It was hard to tell in the low light but Rossi was pretty sure he could see fear in Reid's eyes. Rossi hesitated for a second before he carried on. "So you mean to tell me that completely out of the blue you just decided that the entire human race is corrupt and we all need to die?"

"Yes, that's what I'm saying Rossi!"

"That's bull Spencer, and you know it. You don't have that gun out for me or Morgan, something happened."

"NO!" Reid spun and stood up, glaring at Rossi. "You couldn't possibly understand -!"

"So then tell us Reid, make us understand." Reid was panting heavily, waving the gun about unintentionally. "We're your friends Reid, we care about you. You can tell us anything." Rossi said it quietly. He too had stood with Reid and the two men stared at each other across the bed. Reid was shaking and sweating, tears in his eyes. "I feel sick" He said quietly. There was a small bathroom in the room; the entrance was at the end of the bed. Being careful to take the gun with him, Reid was about to lock the door when Morgan's voice stopped him.

"Don't lock it when you close it, kid. We need to know you're OK. I'd have to kick it in."

Reid didn't respond but also didn't lock the door. As they listened to the sound of Reid retching the two older agents cast each other worried looks. Morgan knew it was best to let Rossi try to handle this first. He was older and more fatherly than Morgan, Reid may respond better to that. They agreed in whispers though that if Reid shut Rossi out Morgan should try and talk to him instead. As soon as they heard Reid stop retching Rossi knocked on the door. After all, Reid still had his gun and they didn't want to give him the opportunity to do anything with it.

"Reid, you coming out?"

The door was opened a crack and Reid ordered them to back away from it and go back to their original places before he came out and sat back down on the bed.

"You feel better?" Reid nodded silently. Rossi decided not to comment on how obvious it had been that Reid's stomach was empty. The kid had enough to deal with tonight, but they would have to confront it eventually.

"Are you going to tell us what that was about?" Reid remained silent. "Come on, Spencer. Tell us what happened. You need to talk; it's clear what a burden this is for you. Let us help you with it." Reid put his forehead in his hands, the muzzle of the gun pointing to the ceiling. He was shaking, and as Rossi watched a tear rolled down his cheek which he wiped away hurriedly. He stayed like that for a few seconds, clearly weighing up his options, so they kept quiet and let him think. Finally, without looking up, he began to talk quietly.

"It happened 9 months ago . . ."

_It had been such an ordinary evening. He was on his way home from work and the weather was lovely._ _The smell of cut grass made him smile as he walked home from the subway. Days like this reminded him of home, of Vegas. There was a park which was full of flowers at this time of year and that also had a lido near where he lived. usually he didn't stop as it was nearly dark but he felt buoyant and optimistic tonight and he decided he wanted to sit outside and enjoy the evening. He had a book with him, Leo Tolstoy's 'Anna Karenina'. The book was long enough for even him to get a substantial amount of reading time out of it, but that wasn't why he loved it. The beauty of Tolstoy's prose sang to Reid. It had drawn him in from that very first line – 'All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.' He was happy sat on a bench, immersed in the story and breathing in the smell of flowers until he was interrupted by the sound of people. He looked up as they got nearer. It was a group of young men, little more than teenagers really. They were all in t-shirts and shorts and smelt of beer. They were talking loudly, messing about and weaving all over the path. Reid assumed they'd been to a barbecue or something to celebrate the good weather._

"_Hey, man, you got a light?"_

_Reid realised he was the one the tall musclular guy was talking to. He had blood shot eyes and was weaving. Reid's voice shook as he replied._

"_Sorry no, I don't smoke."_

"_Come on, I know you do." The guy was facing Reid, he had on a frown and his voice had gotten deeper. His friends had stopped and they were staring at Reid._

"_I'm sorry, I don't –"_

"_Come on, don't fuck with me!" Reid hurriedly gathered his things and tried to get up but the guys friends started crowding round him, pushing him back._

"_Where you going?"_

"_He asked you a question, dude."_

"_Why you walking away?"_

_Reid backed up against the bench, the seat hitting him on the back of the leg. "Please, I don't want any trouble –"_

_His words were cut off as the man who had originally spoken punched him in the mouth. Reid fell back onto the bench. They were shouting at him, but he couldn't tell what they were saying above the pain. It seemed never ending. They all joined in, the hits just kept coming, landing all over his body as Reid begged for them to stop. At some point he found himself being dragged off the bench and they started stamping on him. By this time night had really fallen, with his cheek forced to the ground, Reid found himself looking out across the lido. The water was so still it looked like it could have been solid ground in the darkness. He remembered thinking that it was wrong that something so serene could exist so close to a scene of such senseless brutality. But they weren't done with him yet. _

"_Get up, you piece of crap!"_

_Reid felt himself being hoisted up onto his knees. He could barely stay upright, the pain in his ribs was terrible but the threat of what would happen if he didn't do as they said made him force himself to stay there. His hair was grabbed roughly and his head yanked forward as a zipper was undone in front of him. He tried to forget where he was, what he was doing, but he didn't do it well enough. He never even knew which one of them it was, he was never able to bring himself to look up._

_Far later than he should have done, Reid locked himself in his apartment. He struggled to the bathroom and vomited, and then slumped on the bathroom floor, rocking and keening like a child. The next morning he called Hotch and asked to cash in on some of his holiday time. After all, he couldn't have the team seeing him with a black eye and a split lip, could he?_

"And now you know everything."


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Just in case anyone thought so, the situation I described Reid to be in is not unrealistic. At one of my old schools, a girl in my year was walking through a park at night with her boyfriend. They were stopped by a group of lads who were also from my school and one of them asked for a light. When they said they didn't have a lighter, an argument started. The group attacked them and beat them viciously. The girl died. Her boyfriend went into a coma. When paramedics arrived, they couldn't tell which person was the boy and which was the girl. I'm saying that people can do terrible things, with no good reason. Several of the boys who attacked them were arrested and imprisoned, thankfully. _

_Thank you to the people who have reviewed, I appreciate them and hope more people will too. The things in italics in the 'story' section are Reid's thoughts._

_Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or anything related to it._

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><p>The room was silent for a moment.<p>

"Reid, man . . . I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

"Sorry doesn't make it any better though, does it Morgan?"

"I know kid. It doesn't make it any better, but I want you to know we care about you." Reid couldn't look at them. His shoulders shook but he was silent.

"Can I turn the lights on, Reid?" Rossi asked tentatively.

"No!" Reid hissed.

"Why not?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does matter Reid. You don't have to hide from us."

"I'm not hiding, Rossi. I'm right here."

"With your back to us in a dark room."

"Just leave it alone!" Reid's head was in his hands. "I want you to leave now." He continued quietly.

"Reid, man, you know we can't do that."

"No, I don't know that, Morgan." Morgan sat forward, a reasonable expression on his face and palms together even though Reid couldn't see him. The two older men shared a glance, and Rossi shifted his position slightly.

"Don't you think it's time you gave that gun to me, Spencer? You know you don't need that."

"No, Rossi. I want you to leave me alone. You have your answers. I've done all I can to apologise for how I acted towards you. Just leave." Reid's tone of voice was soft, regretful.

"What would you do, if we did leave?"

"That's none of your concern. I want you to get out of my life."

"Come on Reid, you know you're better than this. I know exactly what you've got planned, it's obvious. Are you such a coward that you're going to let one incident ruin your life?"

"I am not a coward!" Reid spun round to look at Rossi over his shoulder, eyes wide.

"No? Look at yourself – you're a drug addict, you barely eat, you attacked me, you then went on the run and you're now sat in this shit-hole with a gun. And all because some guys beat you up and made you give them a blowjob." Reid compulsively shot up from the bed, pacing back and forth, his hands crossed on his head and his breaths deep and fast. Rossi quickly made his way around to the end of the bed, Morgan close behind him.

"Shut up, Rossi!" Reid warned, his eyes angry but pleading.

"It's the truth! Instead of facing up to what happened you just ran away!"

"Stop it!"

"Admit it, Reid! You're a coward!"

"No! No, no, no!" Rossi had been slowly creeping forward as Reid paced and was now almost within touching distance of him as the younger man came to a stop, staring at the older man with wide eyes and his hands in fists.

"Then prove it, give me that." Rossi said in a softer tone. They could see the pain in Reid's face as he tried to decide what to do.

_How could he face more of this? It was so hard, and it would only get harder. He couldn't face that, could he? There was nothing good to look forward to anymore. He never felt happy anymore. He loved his team, and he loved his Mum, but . . . they just weren't enough._

It was only a few seconds, but they were so full with emotion that even that was almost unbearable for all of them. Finally, Reid choked out a reply.

"I'm sorry, I can't." He raised the gun to jam it under his chin.

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><p><em>Sorry, I know it's a bit short but more is on the way. Please revie<em>_w._


	7. Chapter 7

_Thank you to the people who have reviewed, it's very much appreciated ._

_Disclaimer: I do not own CM._

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><p>"No!" Rossi lunged forward, clearing the last few feet between himself and Reid. Reid's eyes were closed; the gun was so close to his skin, Rossi thought for a terrible moment they would not reach him in time, but with enormous relief he managed to grab the younger man's wrist and force it backwards and to the side. Morgan was a split second behind him and grabbed Reid's other arm as he tried to claw at Rossi.<p>

"Reid! Reid, stop!" Reid had a panicked look in his now wide open eyes, fixated on the weapon he still clung to, he didn't appear to even have heard Morgan's desperate plea. Fighting him all the way, they turned him and forced him down onto the bed, facing upwards. Tears ran down Reid's cheeks, he sobbed hard and his breath caught in his chest painfully.

"Please, just let me do it!"

"It's OK son, it's OK." They held him securely, Reid sobbing openly, and tried to comfort the man. Slowly Reid calmed and Rossi signalled to Morgan that he would be alright with him and that Morgan should put the discarded gun away. Morgan nodded and stooped to pick it up off the floor. He took it outside and locked it in the rented car along with his and Rossi's weapons.

By the time Morgan returned, the room was eerily quiet. Seeing that Reid was in no state to fight, Rossi no longer held him. He sat quietly beside him; the younger man had rolled onto his side and stared out of the window.

"Reid, we need to talk about this."

"Please, not now Morgan." Reid's voice was quite and raspy. He paused a moment before replying.

"We do need to talk Spencer, you must see that. I understand it's hard, we don't have to go through everything, but could you please answer some questions?" Rossi laid his hand on Reid's arm, and was glad when he didn't pull it away. There was a long pause.

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><p>Reid watched the moon slowly disappear in the glare of the sun. They gave him time to think, and he was glad for that. He felt empty inside, and yet at the same time tremendously heavy. Now that he'd finally admitted to himself how he felt, the clarity that knowledge gave him overwhelmed him. He didn't want to live. Life had just become, or maybe always had been, unbearable. He was so tired. He could physically feel it, emotion so powerful it felt like it actually made him heavy. He knew the thoughts in his head were unhealthy, but he couldn't help but believe them. The little good people do, the little happiness they inspire is choked by cruelty, selfishness and depravity. The world needed to be wiped clean. Other animals don't build sky scrapers, and they cause harm, but they never do it out of cruelty. They should be the ones to inherit the earth. He couldn't wipe the world clean, but he at least didn't have to live in it. But what about the team? And his mother? He cringed with shame at what he had just put Morgan and Rossi through. He still cared about them, however low he may be feeling. He knew he had to go through with it, he knew the truth now – the real truth, unbiased by feelings of self-preservation – and he always would. But he had to do it responsibly. For them.<p>

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><p>"I'm sorry". Reid's croaky voice broke the silence. "I'm sorry for what I put you through. But I'm not ready to talk yet."<p>

"It's OK kiddo; you have nothing to be ashamed about. We're not angry. If you can't talk, can you listen?"

Reid nodded and turned to face them, but kept his eyes down.

"We're here for you. We're your friends, you can talk to us. We'll be there for you, and help you through this. I didn't mean what I said before; I don't think you're a coward. I said that to try and get you to give me the gun. I think that you've had a hard time, and you need support to get through it. That isn't weakness . . . We care about you. Do you understand?"

Reid nodded, looking at them through his lashes, tears at the corners of his eyes.

"We don't want to lose you, kid." Morgan's eyes shone as he said the words.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry, kid. We're here for you."

_They had no idea what he was planning._ The thought made the tears spill out of Reid's lids, which he hurriedly wiped away.

The two older profilers watched his reaction to these words anxiously, but didn't say anything. It was too early to tell what they meant, and Reid had made it clear he didn't want to talk yet.

"We should talk about what we need to do now." Rossi's suggestion made Reid look down worriedly.

"You need professional help Reid –" Reid looked up as if he was going to object but Rossi cut him off. "I think you know that. We'll head back to Virginia, and then we'll make you an appointment with a good doctor and see what they recommend."

"Please, I don't need a doctor." Reid sounded terrified at the thought of it.

"It's not something to be scared of, Spencer. They're not going to just lock you away; they want to help you to feel better." Reid didn't look reassured, but Rossi knew that with such a deep-rooted fear it would take more than just a few words to achieve this so just said gently "Trust us."

"I do trust you. I care about you, and the rest of the team." Reid's eyes were strangely pleading.

After a brief pause, he answered in what he hoped was a light tone, "Good, thank you. Now we've all had a long night. We should get cleaned up and go to bed so we're fresh to head back to Virginia."

"Ok man, we're going to have to rent another room then. We won't all fit in here."

"I'd like to stay in here with Spencer." Reid looked uncomfortable at this, but Rossi calmly told him that they couldn't take the risk of Reid trying to hurt himself again. Reid felt shame well up inside him again at Rossi's words. He felt humiliated. But it was what he deserved, he supposed.

"I know you won't believe this, but I won't." He whispered.

"We have to be sure, Spencer."

There was an awkward silence, before Morgan broke it. "I'm going to go and rent another room. I'll pay for another night on this too."

"OK thanks. Do you mind getting my bag out of the car?"

"Sure, man."

"Thanks." Just as Morgan was heading to the door, Reid stopped him suddenly.

"Er, actually there's something I needed to ask you."

It hadn't been 12 hours since he'd squatted down in that bathroom but if he went to sleep now without taking any he'd wake to withdrawals.

"Alright, go on."

Reid took a deep breath, steeling himself, before he started speaking. "You know that I've been taking drugs . . ." He faltered slightly as he choked on the words but hurried on. "Uh, well, it's been a while since I've had a dose. If I don't have one now I'll wake up to withdrawals. W-will you let me have a dose before I go to sleep?" He watched them both anxiously. There was a pause, and then Morgan answered.

"No." His voice was firm.

"I agree Spencer." Rossi said in a softer tone.

"B-but why?"

"You need to get clean, kid. It would just prolong the inevitable. "

"But please, Morgan. I need it!" Tears pricked the corner of Reid's eyes yet again.

"No, you don't, Spencer. You've been using it to escape, but you don't have to escape, kid. We're here for you."

"Rossi, please –" Reid turned pleading eyes on him, but even though it killed him to see that look he stayed firm.

"No, Spencer, I'm sorry." He picked Reid's bag up off the floor and started searching for pyjamas. Reid started to sob quietly. It wasn't just the fear of withdrawals he was crying for. He cried for the loss of control over his own life.

"I know you don't believe it now, kiddo, but you will get through this." Rossi's tone was sympathetic, he reached out and put a hand on the young man's arm and tried to comfort him. Reid nodded, wiping his eyes, but they could tell he didn't really believe it.

"I'll go and fix the rooms, will you be OK here?"

"Yeah, we'll be OK."

"Alright, I'll see you about 3?"

"Yeah."

"Alright, I'll see you later. Hang in there, kid." When the door swung shut Rossi turned to Reid again.

"Do you want to take a shower?"

"Will you be supervising me?"

"You know I have to Reid." He couldn't help it, his cheeks burning with shame Reid started to cry again. Rossi sat down beside him with a sigh. "I know you hate this, but we really are doing this to help you. Try to understand." Reid nodded vaguely. "You'll feel a lot better when you're clean. There's a curtain on the shower, I'll stand outside and hand you your clothes so you can get changed in the cubicle." He led Reid to the bathroom.

Reid showered quickly, knowing that if he gave Rossi any reason to doubt what he was doing he wouldn't hesitate to pull back the curtain. When he turned the water off Rossi handed a towel over the curtain. In a few minutes they were both in pyjamas.

"Spencer, before we go to sleep, I need you to promise me that you won't try to harm yourself whilst I'm asleep."

Reid nodded. "I promise."

"I want to hear you say it."

"I promise I won't try and hurt myself whilst you sleep."

"Thank you." Rossi had already done an inconspicuous check of the room whilst Reid was changing and had removed anything that could obviously be used as a weapon such as Reid's razor and the glasses that came with the drinks tray but he couldn't remove everything and a lot of ordinary things can be turned into lethal objects if you're determined enough.

Satisfied, Rossi stood and drew the curtains to the now bright sun and then climbed under the sheets next to Reid. They were both exhausted. Now that Reid was comfortable and clean he realised just how weak he felt. He was used to the empty feeling of his stomach, it didn't bother him and he didn't get hunger pains anymore, but he felt weak and shaky now. Exhaustion overpowered him and he was soon asleep. Rossi lay awake much longer.


End file.
